Dominant Training – Dealing with Emotions

I had something happen that I had never experienced before. I knew it could happen. I have even written about it happening to characters before.

I had never experienced it before, though. It was a little frightening, but also kind of amazing.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Becoming a Dominant

I’ve said before, I am a Dominant – that is to say, I aspire to be a Dominant in the lifestyle. While I know a lot of things; I study; I read; I do all of the things to help me gain and share information (this blog is part of my learning experience, helping me to put together the things I learn as I go) I don’t feel ready to take on a submissive.

I don’t have the experience that would make me a responsible Dominant.

That is about to change. I am about to begin training. I’m nervous and excited about it.

Continue reading

Yes, You Do Have to Be Taught (secret: we all do)

An image is going viral right now of a young UK man stating that he does not need to be taught not to be a rapist.

It is true that he may not need his college to teach him that. Maybe he does understand what consent and active, enthusiastic consent is. Maybe he understands how to navigate and negotiate complex situations so that he ensures that any kind of sexual encounter he has with someone is consensual.

Here is the thing, though.

Continue reading

Holle’s Thought for the Day

The only way anyone is less of a sub is if you’re a 6-inch from Subway. That is less of a sub than a foot-long.

Otherwise, you just have a preference for what you do and do not like – just like whatever Dominant or fellow submissive who is trying to bring you down because you don’t like their “kink.”

One of the Things I Really Hate

One of the staples of romance is the idea that the romance between the two characters makes each a better person. He overcomes something through her love and support. She overcomes something through his love and strength.

I don’t hate that. It has its problems, sure, but fine. Whatever. We’re social creatures and we like to have our romance blend with the positive aspects of being social creatures. I’ll buy it for a buck, or $0.99 on Amazon, and be done with it.

Continue reading

Philosophy of BDSM

1450930_423550141130612_5934562691569100637_nI think everyone has their own philosophy about what BDSM is – beyond the make up of the acronym and the what/how-tos of those things. I know I have touched on my own philosophy in discreet ways, related to my thoughts on Dominance and submission, things like that. I thought it might be a good time to give a more holistic philosophy, though, on what BDSM is, in my world view anyway.

Why Philosophy Matters

It is fine to dabble in things, to have a brushing interest or want to pick out things to help flavor and spice the rest of your life. We do that with all sorts of things. When we have those passing interests and light fancies, however, we rarely take the time to think on what is happening with those aspects we take away. When we do, when we begin to examine meanings behind things, then we show and seek a deeper interest and understanding. Whether you call yourself a lifestyler, a kinkster, a fetishist, or just someone interested in it, that drive to seek deeper into BDSM is, to me, what makes it more than just a passing fad.

Dark Reflections

BDSM is a reflection of the world around us.

Every day of your life, you engage in power exchange. In these exchanges we give and receive power in different ways. Some of them are the result of relationships we consciously entered. We hired an employee and became their boss. We accepted employment and became an employee. We agreed to a relationship or a marriage. Others are exchanges we did not agree to, but found ourselves in. Even as adults, our parents still have some authority over us.

Often times we engage in power exchanges because we are socialized to. For many women, the choice “I will submit to him” is not a choice to submit, but whom to submit to. They choose their husbands and submit to them because they were raised to believe that a woman should submit to her husband. There is no choice in giving the power, only the socialization that says, “this is how it is.” The opposite happens with men. They do not say, “I will dominate her” because they want to dominate, but because they have been socialized to believe that is their role. The choice is in who, not in taking power. Sometimes life changes can make these exchanges shift. The submissive wife suddenly finds herself the breadwinner in the household. The husband, laid off from his job, takes on the burden of caring for the family while she takes on extra hours. The “wifely” duties she once performed for him, cooking, cleaning, and household chores, he takes on. Suddenly the decisions about money and how it is spent become primarily hers. Her schedule dictates the holidays and weekends, not his.

When we live a structured life, shifts in how power is exchanged can cause upheaval. When one partner decides the exchange of power naturally taking place is not to their liking, they will buck. If the other is not prepared, or does not want to give back power, a struggle ensues. The same can happen when the partner taking power no longer wants to take as much. A man finds the burden of accepting his submissive wife too much. He craves release from the stress and pressures of “manhood”. It happens in marriage, in work places, with family interactions. Any place where power exchange takes place can see these upheavals.

BDSM allows us to engage in power exchange in a different way. We cannot negotiate how power is exchanged at work. The social designs of the office set how power moves. In a Dynamic, however, we negotiate everything. We decide what power we want to give and take. We decide how much and how far that power can go. We set limits. We express desires. We put into place safe words and signals that indicate when an exchange has reached or surpassed its limits. We set rules and protocols that define how that exchange of power will flow. All of the things we cannot control in the outside world is under complete control in the Dynamic. Our choice to give or receive that power is an outlet for us, a way to explore, to understand, and sometimes to let go.

Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism, are also reflections of the world we live in.

How often do we bind ourselves to things because society and our lives dictate it. We bind ourselves to commitments, to objects. We are born bound to people – our parents and siblings – whether we want those types of people in our lives or not. So many things in this world bind us with little choice from us on whether they can. So it is no wonder, then, that we find release by giving ourselves willingly to be bound up. We gain perspective on the rigidity and chaos of our lives through Discipline. We gain release for our choices and circumstances through therapeutic punishments.Those binding and punishing see the same structures and releases making sense for them as well.

How much of ourselves do we give, just to keep things going? How much do we take from others who exhaust themselves to please us? Sadistic and masochistic tendencies can come from a lot of places, but they are also reflections of the way the world treats us. How little the world cares about your struggles. How insignificant is the plight of one employee in the face of the hundreds around him? The world is cruel and it is cold. The giving and taking of pain is more than just sensual and sexual pleasures. It is a reflection of what we endure in our lives, what we sometimes give. Only we are willing partners, giving and taking. We beg for the pain and cruelty that we shun from the world because it gives us perspective and release. And we give it for the very same reason.

At its heart, that is BDSM. Whatever the specifics of what we do, this is what lies beneath the skin, waiting for us to understand when we are ready to peel away the layers of vinyl, leather, and latex.

Red Flags

Not much to write about today. I’ve been busy with writing this week so much so that, honestly, I just kind of let my brain leak out today.

I did find this, courtesy of a comment on a thread in a group on Facebook.

There is probably a rule about the number of prepositions I just used in that sentence …

Anyway, I am sharing it here. Red flags to watch out for. It is very good.

I’m of the opinion if you find something really good, share it. It is how I learn. It’s how others will learn too.

Why Yes Under the Influence Is Not Yes

People discuss BDSM and alcohol or other drugs a lot. I am not against the safe consumption of alcohol. I have decided that when it comes to play, alcohol should stay out of the scene, especially in situations where it can impact your ability to judge the situation.

Obviously if you are in a 24/7 and you and your partner enjoy socially drinking, alcohol will be part of your dynamic. It does not have to be part of intense sessions or scenes, however. When it comes to BDSM and alcohol (or any drug where certain drugs may be legal for you) it is important to remember this:

Continue reading