I had something happen that I had never experienced before. I knew it could happen. I have even written about it happening to characters before.
I had never experienced it before, though. It was a little frightening, but also kind of amazing.
I had a breakdown.
Klaus and I were in the middle of a session. Going into it, I had not had the best couple of days. I had been in pain, and not the kind of pain that I like. Still, the opportunity to play, experience, and learn is not one that I pass up lightly.
I should have known quickly, though, that things were not going well. When he would slap, pinch, or pull my hair, the pain was not doing the same thing to me that it normally did. Still, I was enjoying everything else, so I pushed through.
Then I started crying. It followed an impact and was completely unexpected.
Immediately, he checked on me. When I could not stop crying, he stopped the scene, made sure I was okay, and comforted me.
It was an intense moment. All of the frustration of having been in pain that I could do nothing about for a couple of days just exploded with that impact. It was like my body was saying, “I can’t do more pain.”
In retrospect, I should not have played. I was not in a good space prior to the session. When I felt myself not getting into things, I should have used my safe word and explained that it was not good right then.
However, the experience of the breakdown was also good for me – in a couple of ways. It was a release that I needed, though not the one I was looking for from the session. I’m not sure that it is one that I would purposefully seek out but … I could see doing so.
It was also good in that it gave me the experience from the bottom of what happens in those moments. I know how it comes on. I know from being the bottom who broke down how important it is to respond immediately and stop things. It also showed me how therapeutic both the breakdown and the aftercare afterwards can be.
That is why I am training this way.