When we picked up the conversation last time with Klaus, we talked about him and what made him successful with women: his confidence. He understood who he was, he knew what he wanted in women, and he projected both of these things. As he and I talked about approaching women, we talked about how he was sometimes just friends with women. That ability to befriend women is part of what made him so successful when he approached a woman he wanted to date or sleep with, so I wanted to dig deeper into that.
What is the Friend Zone?
So for a very long time, we have had this term we use called the “friend zone.” Men get a bad rap for using it, but to be perfectly honest with you, women use it as well. In fact, the idea of the friend zone was why I did not recognize Klaus’ advances at first. It was not so much that I had placed him in the friend zone. It was that I figured I would be there, that our mutual friends would have warned him away from me.
So okay, this idea of the friend zone is complicated because it can mean different things to different people. It can also mean different things in different contexts. I had crushes when I was younger, whom I was friends with, who only saw me as a friend. Yes, I considered myself in their “Friend Zone.” I had male friends that I used to consider in the “Friend Zone” not because I did not think them worthy of my lustful affections, but because they were friends.
Why Friend Is Not a Bad Word
Think about your friends. These are people you talk to. You share interests with them. You enjoy their company (usually). Whatever things you like to do, you probably do with at least some of them. You are gamers. You are sports fanatics. You are workout buddies. You work on hobby cars.
Whatever it is you do, you do with your friends.
At some point you confide in them. You talk about the future and what you want from it. You discuss women. You discuss careers.
What you don’t do is bemoan the fact that you and your friends are “just friends.” Why? Because these are people you like to hang out with and do things with.
Picking Up Women Is not Much Different than Making Friends
Klaus: There’s two ways you can pick someone up. There’s the, “I’m going to bone you tonight and that’s it.” Or the, “I want to get to know you.” I always went that route because I wouldn’t be talking to you if I didn’t find you attractive. Okay, so we already know that physically, if I’m talking to you, you’re my type. Whatever that is, something about you has you fall directly in my type. Whether you’re a six-foot three-inch blonde Scandinavian Goddess or a five-foot four not [a Scandinavian Goddess]. There is something about you that I have picked out as attractive so beyond that it’s getting to you know. Do you want to take the time to get to know the person? For me, that was the easiest way for me to pick someone up. “Look, I’m not going to ask you to come home with me tonight. I want to get to know you, so can we just sit down and shoot the shit?”
When Klaus got to know a girl, they were able to build on the initial attraction and generate real chemistry from there. It was not something that happened in a night.
He met the Lesbian at a club he frequented, usually with friends. They started talking at the club and had a good rapport. She mostly talked about her recently-ex girlfriend, so he did not think much was going to happen there. He mentioned getting together again, though, at the club so that it would be some place neutral.
They did meet up at a couple of places. Eventually, they went for their first date, sat and talked for several hours, and then went back to his place and had lots of great sex. The sex happened because a connection happened. She was able to see into him and find something she liked, something she wanted when she never bothered looking for that in other men.
It is the long game, yes. As Klaus said, this is different from your one-night stand (he and the Lesbian dated for a little while) – though he does have some suggestions for those as well. If your desire in picking up a woman is to meet a girl you can talk to, get to know, and maybe date, the long game is where it happens. Klaus has no problem letting a woman know that he finds her attractive but the “play” comes from actually getting to know her beyond her looks.
Risk Versus Reward
The risk in the long game is that you and the woman in question may not click. This is where men usually fear getting into the dreaded Friend Zone. You have to accept that sometimes, it will happen. You will get to know this woman. She will get to know you. She may decide that this is just not happening for her. She likes you. She likes hanging out with you. She is not attracted to you, does not want to date you, and does not want to sleep with you.
That has to be okay. It has to be okay for a few reasons. It’s a lot to unpack so I’ll make it quick and simple.
- You don’t own her or her body. She does. She gets to decide who plays with it, who enters it and pleasures it, and who she uses it to give pleasure to. If you try to take that decision away from her, then what you are doing is coercion at best and assault at its worst.
- You will find yourself in the same situation.
Klaus: If you treat the woman that you’re going after like she’s people, you may find that “damn, I was really interested in you and you’re really attractive, but the more we have talked, I realized you are totally someone I want to hang out with but don’t want to be romantic with,” or on the other side, “hey, you are someone I am into and want to be inside of.”
It has to be okay to just be friends with a woman you start getting to know. When you are friends, you treat her like people. You listen to her. You enjoy doing things together. You listen to each other’s problems. You do the things you do with your friends.
That first part, though, is the most important part. You treat her like people. The more you start treating women like people, the easier it will be to pick up women, whether you want a one night stand or a relationship. Both types of pickups involve women who are people and who want to be respected as people.
You learn to do that by just making friends.