This is the beginning of a new series on On the Scene: Conversations with Klaus. I will be transcribing taped conversations he and I have about life before we married, when we were friends and he was way under my dating radar (that is a different conversation). This is – practical dating advice from someone who did it successfully despite some … well, read on while I set the stage.
Before we begin, I want to set the stage a little bit. I met Klaus several years ago through a shared hobby. My image of him then (and sometimes still now) is this young man, 20, with thick long hair, most of the way down his back, that is sometimes pulled back into a ponytail and sometimes just left flowing. He usually has at least some stubble going on and big, dark eyes. He wears a sleeveless t-shirt that he still owns (Klaus: Oh, the white and blue one yeah!) and blue jeans. Around his waist, he’s tied a black and white checkered flannel (that we had to finally toss a few years ago because it ripped beyond the ability to wear). He wore boots because they tended to last longer.
It is circa 1999/2000, give or take a few months, and he is still holding onto that grunge look that defined the 1990s. He is always dressed this way not out of a desire to hold onto an old style, but because it is what he has. He was poor. He owned five shirts, including the checkered shirt, three pairs of jeans, and the boots. He had little else to his name.
He also baffled his friends. During this time when I first met him, if he set his sights on a woman and said, “I want to go after her” he succeeded.
Klaus: I had literally nothing going for me. I had no job. I had a car that wound up getting repossessed. Originally I had the convertible that the axel snapped on. I lost that. I came back up to home and got my bike, took that down [to Atlanta] and for about two years forgot that I ever needed to change the oil in it. So, I wound up killing it and leaving it on the side of the road. Then I came back and bought the red MX6 and that wound up getting repossessed. During all of this time, I would intermittently have jobs. I like worked, I don’t know, maybe a total of five months out of a year at, at least three different places. The thing was, I was young and never lacked for confidence when it came to women. This is not to say women owed me anything. But yeah, I knew that I could offer something no one else could, specifically me. And that was enough. No, there was not – I’m seriously trying to think of any girl I set my sights on that I didn’t in the end (emphasis directed at me, but that is a story for another time) end up with.
So this is Klaus when I met him. I want to set that stage because he was not a Christian Grey. He was not a billionaire or really even financially stable at that point in his life. He was good looking, but he was not an Adonis. He did not dress in any particular way except what was comfortable and practical.
Yet, he never had any problem getting a girl. He focused on women he was attracted to, and these were varied women. There was the Scandinavian Goddess everyone wanted to date, the French Girl everyone wanted to date, the Sex Bombshell, and the Cute Lesbian. These were just a few of the women he either dated or had flings with in his youth.
Projecting What You Are
Going back to what Klaus said above, he was confident and understood two things that are important to making an impression on another person.
- The other person did not owe him anything
- He offered something no one else could: himself
The second may sound arrogant, but it is not. He understood something simple; he was a unique person, an individual. He was no better or worse than any other person who might vie for a woman’s attention. He was simply himself. Back then, that was all he had to offer and when he projected that to women, they responded favorably.
Decoding the Pick-Up
When we talk about “meeting women” or “picking up women” we are talking about a social interaction, where a man has within himself the confidence to walk up to a stranger, have a particular goal in mind, strike up a conversation, and see the interaction through to either his goal or to a hopefully friendly end to the interaction.
Before we can talk about advice, pitfalls, and the kinds of things to avoid, we have to talk about the man himself. On Fiverr, I talk to men who ask me to write “self-help visualizations” for them, so they can see what an “alpha man” is like and can emulate that. However, these requests always have two things in common: a man’s value lies in his ability to be dominant (not all men are and that is more than perfectly acceptable) and his ability to get laid.
Klaus: The first and most important thing you can do when you talk to anyone of your preferred type is not come off as if you are not confident in talking to them. It’s like – it’s a job interview. If you go into that interview and you are not confident in the skills that you bring, the company ain’t going to be interested. If you walk up to your preferred type and you go, “hey, I want to get to know you because,” – I mean all I’ve got to go on is the first thing I can see about you, I like the way you dress, I like the way you carry yourself, and you are obviously attractive to me. I want to get to know more about you. There is no person on the planet who has walked up to someone the first time they ever saw them and said, “holy crap your personality is the most attractive thing about you; let’s get together.” It just isn’t a true thing, so yeah, they know you’re only coming up to them because you think they’re attractive. But in doing that, you have to let them know that “hey, I can probably give you something back, so let’s talk. I want to get to know more about you than just you look really great in a corset. There’s more to you than your leather boots ([playfully] though to be fair, those are very nice boots and I’d like to know if you want to fuck).” That’s a line and you shouldn’t use them.
So, back in the day, “Nice boots, want to fuck” was a joke pick-up line. Klaus never actually used the line, except when joking with women he was friends with whom he did not have interest in dating.
Yes, he had friends … who were women … who he was not trying to date or sleep with. These were not women who placed him in the so-called “friend zone.” These were women he genuinely made friends with because they were people and he had things in common with them. He treated them like people, which we will talk about more later, when we get into the actual advice.
The most important takeaway I had from my conversation with Klaus was this: don’t tie your identity up into being a certain “image” of men and don’t tie your image up into how many women you sleep with or if you even get to go home with a woman or get her phone number. Your identity is you. Your confidence comes from understanding who you are as a person and accepting him. Klaus had, in his words, had nothing going for him back in the day. He only had himself, and no other man could be him.