I’ve talked about this before, a few times. Others far more experienced in the lifestyle have talked about this as well.
And yet I still see people open their mouths and spew some of the stupidest, inane crap that I have ever read in my life.
There Is No Such Thing As a Natural Dominant/Submissive
I think it is just best at this point if I state it that way for my own sanity. When we talk about the “natural” Dominant or “natural” submissive, these are personality types. While they might come into play when someone is determining what role they want to pursue in BDSM, they are otherwise meaningless in the lifestyle.
Because training and experience are so much more important. So is consent. In BDSM, as with any activity, consent has to be enthusiastic and informed. This means understanding not only what your partner wants to do, but also what you want to do and what you get out of a scenario.
In other words, you have to understand more than “I’m naturally submissive” to give fully informed consent in a BDSM scene.
This holds whether you are in a limited D/s relationship or a full-on TPE Owner/slave relationship. Even when you play with consensual non-consent you are still providing your consent to what will happen. That consent may be to an activity that you will struggle against during the scene. That consent may be to submit fully to someone else’s desires without the ability to say “no” or back out of a scene. You still understand what limits are in place in the scene or relationship, what things will or may be asked of you and/or done to you, and what it is that you get from submitting to that relationship or scenario.
Okay, so that is pretty basic. I have talked about it before – ad nauseum at this point.
Being “Dominant” or “Domineering” in Vanilla Life Does Not Mean You Fake Submission in a BDSM Scene
A really simple question was asked earlier – is it possible to fake submission.
The simple answer is yes, yes you can. You can fake anything, from love to an orgasm. It stands to reason that you can fake your submission as well.
What that means, however, seems to be confusing to people. One person decided to pipe up that he knew this could happen because he saw plenty of submissives who were super-sub in the lifestyle, to the point that you would think they were “born to be submissive” who were anything but submissive in Vanilla life.
That does not equal fake submission.
Fake submission is simply not meaning it when you submit to someone. That not-meaning can come from any number of places. I recently gave birth to a child – and by giving birth, I mean they had to cut the child from my body as part of a dark rite (though I was told that it was because the baby was in breach and that the procedure was a standard medical procedure).
One of the bad things about having a C-Section is the amount of pain you are in for weeks, as your body has to heal from being cut open while your uterus contracts back down to normal size. If I’m making you feel squeamish, please do remember that I am a sadist. Thank you.
One of the good things about having a C-Section is they give you narcotics to manage said pain. Now if you are me, narcotics are a two-edged sword. They are great for pain management, but when you have not one but two parents who struggle with chemical addiction, that spells a chance that you can fall prey to the same struggle.
My husband is well-aware of the risk I have of developing chemical dependencies and is more than happy to help watch out for my well-being. When it comes to highly-addictive narcotics, that means controlling my access to them. He decided this time to create a litmus test. If I was willing to all him “Sir” when asking for my narcotic, then he knew that I was in enough pain to actually need it. After all, I am neither submissive nor his submissive (though I love him very much otherwise).
When I call him “Sir” to demonstrate that yes, I am in enough pain to humble myself and ask for my medication, I am not truly submitting to him. I am faking it with an ulterior motive in mind – to get my medication. Now in our case, no harm is done to myself, to him (though I do delight in the pained look of pleasure that he has at hearing me call him Sir and knowing that it will only be for that purpose), or to the lifestyle in general. After all, BDSM is a tool and it can be good to humble ourselves sometimes. While I do not mean my submission when asking for my medication, I am understanding a very basic idea of submission – I am submitting to him and I am receiving something for that submission. When I later turn those tables and have a submissive of my own, I will have a very tangible frame of reference when determining if my submissive is getting something out of a scene or her submission to me.
It is a learning experience.
Others will fake submission for other reasons. It may be to learn in a similar context as part of training. It may be to get something very selfish and unrelated to either BDSM, the other person, or their own needs. For example, offering submission solely to get sex and no other reason.
This fake submission has nothing to do with whether or not the person in question is a “natural” submissive. Natural submissives can fake submission just as well as anyone else. It has only to do with what one is putting into the submission and hoping to draw from it.
Which Brings Us to Holle’s Fantasy
I have this fantasy in which I am a successful author. I may have talked about this before, and if I have – oh well. In this fantasy, I have a personal secretary to help manage my schedule and all the little things that I have to do. This person even gets to – gasp – tell me what to do. After all, if I have to be at a meeting or a signing, she will have to tell me to get off my ass and get to it.
At the end of the day, however, this person is also my submissive. After a day of managing my schedule and telling me where to be and what to do, she kneels before me. It is a very nice fantasy that is about having someone strong-willed and very dominant in one aspect of life humbling herself before me. The idea of power being handed to me in that way is really what makes being a Dominant so attractive to me.
So, when someone tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because of the power and control you wield in your vanilla life, kindly tell them to fuck off. You and your Dominant are the only ones who can and should determine if your submission is real or not. bmiss