I see this word a lot in BDSM circles – on line anyway.
- “I am a Natural Dominant.”
- “I am a Natural Submissive.”
Now, I’ve talked about this before when I talked about the Natural Submissive, and what I see far too often – people looking down on those they don’t perceive as being “naturally submissive.”
I see this with Dominants as well.
- I’m a natural Dominant.
- I’ll make a good Dom because leading comes so natural to me.
- I’m just naturally the kind of person who likes to be in control of situations.
Sometimes when I see this I shrug. Other times I’m like
Other times, I’m like
Now, I have nothing against people who have naturally dominant or naturally submissive personalities. Everyone has their own personality, and that’s all well and good.
What turns me into .gif 2 is that I see this as the primary – sometimes as the only – qualification for someone being a Dominant and taking on a submissive.
A woman shared this great picture in one of the groups that I’m in. It was a screen capture of a message that she or a friend had received from a potential dominant. The message was basically “your hot, let’s get together” and was obviously a first message, not a follow up or anything like that.
It was a great illustration of what a fake dom is. It was also why seeing “natural Dominant” makes me get stabby.
The guy decided to list his qualifications as to why he was not a fake, but was for real. For really realz. Honest. That qualification?
He was a Natural Dominant.
I’m going to trademark that term and make millions off its use, I think.
It’s Not Natural
So, there are lots of different sub-groupings and things like that within BDSM that can make things get a little fuzzy. For example, Primal is all about getting in touch with that natural side of yourself and expressing it in deep and passionate ways. That’s probably a very simplistic way to look at it, but it’s the basic gist.
Outside and aside from that, however, when you are talking about taking on a submissive, though, you’re not talking about “natural.” You’re talking about very deliberate actions, with specific goals in mind, and specific consequences if you’re not obeyed.
In other words, Discipline is a big part of Dominance and submission
Anyone can be bossy. Anyone can be demanding. Anyone can stand up and say “do as I tell you to do.” That does not mean that you’re qualified to lead another person into a lifestyle that can be both beautiful and dark at the same time. That also does not mean that you’re very good at it. I read authors all the time who write words down.
Those words when put together are not particularly cogent, but hey. They wrote them down.
It’s the same with Domination.
Just because you are aggressive or out there, ready to take the lead, does not mean you can do it well. That is why Dominants should seek training or mentor-ship. Failing that, they should seek out as much knowledge as they can to learn how to be a good Dominant, how to play safely not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. They should learn about what to expect from and of a submissive. They should learn about limits and communication. They should learn something about the history of the lifestyle and different lifestyle communities.
The dominant in the picture shared online was obviously not disciplined. If he were, he would not be trying to claim a submissive in the first email he sent out. Instead, he would just be introducing himself and opening up the door for conversation to happen.
Self-discipline in a Dominant is important. I see this a lot and it is true – you cannot master someone else if you cannot master yourself. That does not mean that your life has to be perfect. It does, however, mean that your life needs to be under control. You can be rich and unstable and poor and stable. Your socioeconomic status has nothing to do with your ability to be a Dominant. Your ability to work with what you have, keep control of situations around you, and keep your cool when something pushes those situations out of control – that is a very good indicator of whether or not you have the potential to be a good Dominant.
After that, what makes you qualified to take on a submissive?
No one care’s if you’re naturally Dominant. I mean, if you like that personality type, then sure, I suppose that’s fine. A submissive looking for a Dominant should be looking for something more, and a Dominant should be showing something more.
Some good questions to ask of a potential Dominant
- How long have you had an interest in the lifestyle?
- What got you into the lifestyle in the first place?
- Tell me about your philosophy of BDSM.
- What guides that philosophy?
- How long have been/did you train as a Dominant?
- Did you train old-guard/old-school (that is training first as a submissive before taking on the moniker of Dominant? Did you mentor under another Dominant? Did you self-train – if so why and how did you overcome the challenges, such as lack of a mentor to guide you?
- If formally trained/mentored: If we move further into negotiation and consideration, I’m going to want to speak to the person who trained/mentored you. Will you be okay providing me that information?
- Have you had other submissives before? If so, how many and in how many years?
- How long have those dynamics lasted and how did they end?
These are just a few basic questions that you can ask a potential Dominant. I am not going to say that there is any one-way to train as a Dominant. I myself have been largely teaching myself, though in my early days of interest I had some guidance about BDSM from someone very knowledgeable, and I am part of a really good group where I know there are at least two knowledgeable Dominants I can reach out to with questions I may have. So I am not going to say you should only go with a Dominant who is old-school trained or directly mentored.
That is not always easy or even possible to do or obtain.
However a Dominant has trained, he or she should be able to tell you answers to these questions that don’t smell of BS.
Most of all, a Dominant should never tell you his or her best or only qualification is that he or she is “natural.”