Because I am beginning my search for a submissive, I am on a few sites to help facilitate meeting people of the BDSM persuasion. Yes, they are dating sites of a sort.
I know that at least a few lifestylers hang out on the site. I’ve gotten to speak to one or two.
I have had enough “Be my mistress” and “Can I be your slave” introduction emails, however, to make me wonder at the veracity of that statement.
I don’t mean people who introduce themselves to me as “Hi, my name is ____. I’m into BDSM and a submissive/slave. I know that you are looking for a submissive, and I would like to get to know you so that perhaps we would consider each other for a dynamic.” or some other similarly reasonable message.
I mean, first message in the box: “Can I be your slave?” “Can I be your submissive?” “Can I be your puppy?”
I even had one ask if he could be my bitch.
Without exception, these are all men messaging me. The only woman to message me was incredibly polite, and asked me if the dynamic I would be looking for was going to be Online or Real Life. Also, another appropriate email for a first message. She read my profile and she had questions for me. I can completely and totally respect that.
Each and every one of the men messaging me with “Can I be…” messages are showing, right out the box, that they have no respect for me. Were I someone who would entertain the thought of dominating a man, I would still turn them away. On the site in question, my profile is quite plain: I am looking for a female submissive. So, whether they are messaging me without looking at my profile, or messaging me even though my profile clearly states I am looking for a woman, they are showing disregard for my wants in any dynamic that we might have, no matter how brief.
While on that site, I am sure 99.999% of those men are not really looking for a Domme, they are looking for an online hook-up, maybe some fap material, that leaves the 0.001% there, and the whatever % elsewhere who are serious about their search, and may not know the proper way to make a good first impression with a potential Dominant.
Here are some of my personal Good First Impression guidelines. You will notice that almost every single one of these can be applied to BDSM or Vanilla situations. I will explain why in a moment.
- Just introduce yourself. If we met at a party, you would not immediately genuflect at my feet. I am not saying that to be rhetorical. I actually mean that. People have this idea that a Dominant is some mystical being who makes every submissive in the room cream and fall down to the floor, ready to do His or Her bidding. The fact is, I once knew a submissive who, if I were face to face with her today I know would still make me do that. She is that magnetic of a person. But I digress. In person, you would just come up, say hello, and introduce yourself. If you met me in person, I am not the type that you would fall down worshiping. I know that breaks the mystique here, but whatever. This list is for a dose of reality, and in real life, I am not an immediately imposing person. I’m attractive, and if you find that intimidating then you might be intimidated. But that is not the same as the Super Cream Yourself For Her Dominant of people’s fantasies (mine too. Mistress Victoria … she’s one of those.) Online, just be normal.
- Learn about me. I have a blog, I have a Facebook Page, a Profile, most of which I keep public, a couple of “dating site” profiles, several short stories, a G+ account, oh and a writer’s blog. You can Google the name Holle Dolce and find out some pretty basic stuff about me, my philosophy, and my interests. If you are reaching out to me online, there is absolutely no excuse to not have some idea of what I like and what I want. If you are not that computer literate, or are using a phone not friendly to these things, then ask me questions. Ask me about my interests, not just in the lifestyle, but outside of it. On another site, I recently had the chance to open up a little bit to a friend there about things that were not BDSM related. It felt good. If you are thinking about me as a potential Dominant, then find out about me so that you have an idea if we will actually be a good match.
- Do not offer your submission right off the bat. When it comes to just meeting for the first time, I’m pretty basic in my requirements – human respect and dignity, and be yourself. Don’t try to submit to me without knowing who I am, or if we will even be compatible. When it comes to creating a dynamic and taking a submissive under consideration, I am putting together a pretty detailed plan of how I want to do that. What steps do I want to make sure are arranged for safety for both of us? I am a woman. When meeting a potential submissive for the first time that I have only met online, how do I know that “she” is not just a ruse and that I am not about to fall into some predator’s trap? I am deciding how I want to progress through the “getting to know” stages, and what kinds of questions I will want to ask as we go to know if we are still on the same page, if she is still considering me as her Dominant and if I still want to consider her as my submissive. Your submission is not something that you would offer until everything was negotiated and we knew what we both wanted from the dynamic. Before you ever offered it, you would have a chance to have some trust in me because I will have taken the time needed to build that trust. To me, that is what starting a dynamic is. It is slow. It is not the most romantic thing in the world. But there it is.
- Be yourself. I don’t mean “be your true submissive self.” Remember me talking about my submissive friend who could drive anyone to their knees in front of her? You may not be like her. You will be your own person, outside of BDSM. Be that person to me too. In order to understand your submission, in order to feel the power that you hand over to me, I need to understand that non-BDSM person. When I do, I can create all kinds of wonderful things to help bring you new pleasures in submission. But I have to know you first. I don’t need to know Jane the submissive. I need to know Jane the – well, whatever Jane does, likes to do, hates to do, wants to do, is inspired to do, dreams about doing. As a writer and as a role-player (I am an avid gamer and love the hobby very much) it is easy for me to fall into a role. If left to my own devices, I can be BDSM Holle all day. I have another person underneath this, and if you know her, you will understand my Domination of you better, and you will enjoy my Domination of you more. You will also know how to use your submission to help bring me new pleasures in Domination. If all you are, however, is BDSM-Jane, then all you will get in return is BDSM-Holle, and eventually, we will get bored.
- Be respectful. That goes with all the other ones, but it deserves its own thing. Respect is not offering me genuflections and titles that I have not earned yet. It is just – treating me like I am a person. It is taking at face value that if I say I am a Dominant Woman looking for a submissive woman, that it is true. Treat me that way, and if I then prove to be otherwise, cast me aside. When I do prove true, well, then we can move on. Whether that is as friends who like to talk about BDSM and whatever else, or as potential Dominant/potential submissive, who knows.
It is a pretty basic list.
I did mention that I would say why these rules go for Vanilla as well as BDSM. If you have not figured it out yet, it is because no matter how deep into the lifestyle you are, you have a vanilla side. If I am going to be willing to explore a dynamic with you, to open myself in the ways that being Dominant and taking your offered power will open me, then I have to know you. That means that I get to know not just BDSM you, but Vanilla you as well.
It is a two-way street, of course. A submissive will have a first impression list that is probably not unlike this one. She will expect me to match it, and I look forward to that.
Until next time.