One topic that has been coming up in groups for a while is the idea of the “natural submissive.”
You know these submissives well. They appear in groups, some of them being long-time lifestylers, some of them being very new and inexperienced. All of them say the same things:
- My submission is a natural thing.
- I have always been this way.
- Being submissive is who I am.
- Submission is in my blood and my soul.
When the statements end there, all is well. Some people have natural submissive tendencies. They are soft spoken. They may be humble or meek. They do not take charge of situations and respond easily to commands and orders. Doing what is asked (or sometimes demanded) of them is easy, and if the order is delivered properly, obedience comes almost without thought.
“When the statement ends there” indicates that sometimes it does not. I will say that for most of these types of submissives, their own submission is their own thing. It does not affect anyone outside of their dynamic, nor does it color their opinion on other submissives. This is just a matter of respect. You do not judge someone’s worth based on that person being different from you. Each person is a unique individual.
However – for a few of the “naturals,” being a natural submissive is all there is to being a submissive. Anyone who is not a “natural submissive” is not a true submissive. Their disrespect, when seen, is called out quickly. And again – these are rare.
That is not what concerns me.
What concerns me is what I see far more commonly.
I would say “Holle, it is just that they are not talking more about their submission. They are not delving into it.” Only, the forums that it is being discussed in are safe forums, forums where they sometimes share a whole lot of things.
What I see more commonly is the idea that this is all there is to being a submissive. That their submission means nothing else except being “what they always have been” and “being just naturally submissive.”
That bothers me. While yes, a lot of power comes from being able to be yourself, many of the submissives saying this are women. We live in a society where women are already expected to be submissive. Religion teaches “women submit to your husbands.” Our media still paints the nurturing woman over the enterprising woman. Sexually speaking, we are still presented as the submissive ones, to be pursued by a man. Some outlets are beginning to expand that – slowly.
And then they remake Cinderella.
But I digress.
No sin is found in being a natural submissive. That is what you are. However,
as a submissive, you are far more than your nature.
And when it comes to submission in a D/s dynamic, your submissive nature is not necessary.
Being submissive by nature is a mixture of how you were born and how you were raised. It is a complex aspect of you that is less about choice and more about your development based on all the things that happened to you and that went into raising you. It is based upon the role models in your home and how they shaped you growing up. It is about how that development was later reinforced in the society that you entered into. In many ways, you do not really have a choice about your nature. You can change it if you desire. That is a long and arduous road, but it can be done.
Being a submissive in a Dominance and submission dynamic is about choice. That choice is something that happens outside of your nature.
And this is vital for you to understand. It is imperative for your fulfillment in the lifestyle and for your safety.So, I will repeat the salient point:
Being a submissive in a Dominance and submission dynamic is about choice.
You can be a submissive in a D/s dynamic no matter what your natural inclinations are. Are you a domineering person, always in charge, and ready to take charge? Are you humble and ready to follow the leader because every leader needs people who will do as asked and fulfill duties assigned to them, happy to do that? Are you in between on that spectrum, happy to take charge, but only to a certain degree, or only in certain things? Maybe you find the whole concept of taking charge and following to be things for other people. You just like to do your own thing. No one to lead, no one to follow.
No matter what of these things you are, where you fall on or around the spectrum of these “power” types of personalities, you can be a submissive. You can be a good submissive. You can be fulfilled and your submission will be a delight to your chosen Dominant.
Being a submissive is about recognizing the power that you have to hand to someone, and taking charge of that. It is about a whole new level of Agency, where you are aware of the costs and rewards of handing power over to another person. The reason that D/s is called power exchange and not power grab is because you, as the submissive, consciously take hold and hand over power to your Dominant.
No matter your nature, you can find yourself fulfilled in it, if that is what you seek. Every person has something that they receive from submission. For those with a submissive nature, who understand that submission is more, it is a way of understanding that nature, and how powerful that nature is. It is understanding what the people who lead and control gain by having you to lead and control. Sometimes it is a release, a way to process the misuse of your power you have experienced in the past (not just abuse. Vanilla relationships do not tend to recognize the movement of power between people, and as a result, a naturally submissive person can find himself or herself overlooked, walked on, or taken for granted). Other times it is a release, where you are relieved of the responsibilities that you take on, whether by choice or not, outside of your dynamic.
It is a choice because you choose to submit to a Dominant, and if the dynamic ends, you choose to take your power back. If you choose a new Dominant, then you choose to hand that power to them. That choice is what makes you a submissive.
I know this because I made that choice before. One day, I learned that I do not get the same release and comfort from handing power to another. I still found a craving for that power exchange. Only now, I do not want to hand over power to someone else. I do not need the things that I got on the few occasions I was able to enjoy it. Instead, I want to receive that power, to help another experience what I once enjoyed.
Because power exchange is a choice. Whether you choose to be dominant or submissive, for whatever reasons you have – release, natural drive, something to do – you make the choice to hand over power and to learn and develop from your experience there. If you understand that exchange, it does not matter if you are a “natural submissive” or not.
What you offer is a gift.